OHMYGOODNESSGRACIOUSSAKESALIVE!

I am very nearsighted.  Very, very nearsighted.  I wear glasses - without which I could not locate my buttocks with both hands.  My glasses are the last thing I take off before going to sleep, and the first thing I reach for upon awakening.  I'm so nearsighted that I can't get my hand in focus while holding it in front of my face unless it is about four inches away from my nose.  My eye doctor calls this high index vision loss; I call it blind as a bat.

Yesterday morning after taking my shower, I grabbed my towel off the towel rack.  My fuzzy vision (no, I don't take showers with my glasses on) noticed a large brown spot on my dark green towel.  Several things instantly ran through my mind.  ITWASABUGITWASASPIDERITWASABUGITWASASPIDERAAAAUUUGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!  No, I did not hold the towel close enough to my face to see what kind of bug it was.  My mama didn't raise a fool.  I knew it wasn't lint as we don't have any brown clothing or towels or blankets or anything brown that would produce such a large clump of lint.    

I cast the towel away from me with a loud yell, which caused Emma to come investigate.  I found another towel.  I dried myself off.  I put on my glasses.  The towel with the BUG/SPIDER was in a wadded heap on the floor and I was not going to investigate it, glasses on or not.  When DH called me at lunch, I told him that the first thing he needed to do upon arriving home that evening was clear the towel of unwanted guests.  DH married me for better or for worse and for being the chief bug killer of the home.

DH reported that it was a spider.  A honking big, albeit dead, spider, but a spider nonetheless.  *full body shudder*  

If I hadn't noticed the brown spot on my towel, I'm sure you would have read about the resulting reaction in today's paper, and you would have seen it on last night's news.  I probably would have been the first woman to achieve orbit and warp speed without a space ship.  

LoneStar