Oct 22, 2009

Don't do this in the country

If you are a college-aged male from the city, don't get in your crew cab truck with three friends and drive out into the country if you don't know where you are going. Keep the windows of the truck open so the testosterone levels in the cab don't initiate "pack mentality" and cause you to think and do stupid things.
Know that if it has been raining for 24 hours straight, that in this part of Texas, all the dirt roads will become become slick as snot and you should exercise caution when driving on them. Some of them should be avoided. The locals know this. Learn from them.
If after getting "sorta lost," one of you dimly remembers that an old buddy used to rent a cabin back in the woods from a guy named Lance, verify that the buddy still lives there; you can't have forgotten how to use your cell phone.
If you make a lame decision and decide to visit the buddy anyway, if you start down his dirt driveway and there is a truck and a car parked ON the driveway blocking your access, do not drive around them as you will get stuck in the mud up to your axles. In your attempts to extract yourself, you will further tear up the driveway and you will still be stuck.
At this point, do not make an additional dumb decision. It is not very bright to troop up the driveway to the house and then stand outside the yard fence and holler, "Is anybody home? Yoohoo!" It is especially stupid to do this at 6:30 in the morning when it is raining and pitch black outside. You are lucky the home owner answered the door with a conversation instead of a 12-gauge. If you had waited until it was light outside, the home owner might have been slightly less grumpy and pugnacious. Maybe.
The home owner thinks you are all idiots. He cannot pull you out of his driveway. He doesn't yet own a tractor and he has had to call a tow truck to get pulled out of the bad part of the driveway himself. That is why he does not park cars up the driveway in the rain. He wonders why anyone would drive off a driveway into a ditch area when access is clearly blocked by PARKED CARS. He wonders how you will pay for the damage you have done. He wonders what you all were thinking. Then he realizes that you weren't.
After having a pointed conversation with you, he notes that you are all respectfully penitent and remorseful as you troop back down the driveway to call the tow truck with one of the two cell phones you are using as flashlights and wait for extraction. He still thinks you are all idiots, but you all seem to be coming out from the effects of testosterone fog and realize you have made dumb decisions.
Twenty minutes later, upon walking down the driveway to leave for work, the home owner stops to lecture you further. He notes that you have come to your senses and only want to get out of the ditch and hightail it out of there.
An hour later (and still raining!), the home owner's wife notes (through judicious use of binoculars normally used for spotting deer) that the tow truck has arrived to pull you out. She notes that you are all wet and muddy. She laughs. (Of course, once she sees the state of the driveway, she probably won't laugh anymore.)
Yep, it was quite the morning 'round here. Dumb young 'uns.


Rachel S said...

Ey yiy

Gloria said...

Those crazy kids! I hope they learned something. They might not be so lucky next time. Some people shoot first and ask questions later. I wish they had to come repair the damage to your yard.